Therapy today. I said that while doing my experiment earlier this week, I felt more and more like I do not belong in this field. There are too many factors to consider before an experiment will even begin to work, and I am not interested enough in them. At least not enough to stay here for years and years while I study them. I brought up another student in my group, A, who is nearing the end of his time here, and who is very good at this and learns very quickly. My therapist asked: if I compare myself to A and his standards, am I really going to feel fulfilled when I accomplish anything? My time here should be about doing something I enjoy and can be fulfilled by. I have a different set of abilities than A, and a different set of goals.
Hearing others talk about their dissertation makes me feel inadequate. I have for so long been comparing myself to the ideal student, or at least the average competent student. The average competent person. That's what my brain tells me I really want to be, because then I wouldn't have to worry about whether or not I was doing a good job. I want to stop worrying about whether I am and just know that I am, know that I am competent. Right now, I don't know if I'm competent about doing anything. That's got to be the OCD talking.
First meeting with psychologist tomorrow. I will try to bring my "Running List of Issues" post so that we cover everything.
First meeting with psychologist tomorrow. I will try to bring my "Running List of Issues" post so that we cover everything.
I know what you mean when you say your brain tells you to just be an "average competent person." I think my OCD and depression led me to lower my standards for myself, if that makes any sense. I stopped reaching for what I dreamed of, wanted, and started just wanting to be settled in something "safe" and "known."
ReplyDeleteI tend to compare myself to others, too, and wonder why I'm not more like them. I need to remind myself that, as you say, I have a different set of abilities and a different set of goals. So I don't need to be like anyone else.
I'm a firm believer in spending your life doing what you love. Sometimes that's difficult to ferret out when there's issues like OCD going on. I hope your therapy will help you decide what path to take!
Tina,
DeleteThank you for your encouragement. I have not considered whether my expectations of myself have been lowered. My OCD expects me to do well in school, but I am not confident that I ever will do well. I guess I did expect to enjoy teaching more than I do, and now it feels like more trouble than it's worth.
I think I should start trying to figure out what I actually enjoy doing. Thanks again for your comment!
I struggled a lot with comparing myself to others too. My psychologist once told me that there is no way I can compare myself. I struggle (and so do you) with a very difficult condition. This takes intense daily effort. Before our day even really begins, we are already doing hard stuff that most people don't have to do. The fact that we are able to do as much "regular" stuff as other people is totally amazing. In fact, if you really want to compare, we are way ahead of everyone else!
ReplyDeleteThank you for the inspiring words. I've never really thought about it that way. We certainly do need to put more effort into many things than 'normal' people, and that is something to be proud of. I suppose I am focusing too much on results. It seems like it is going to be hard to break that habit.
DeleteI agree with 71° and Sunny. We (people with OCD) are so much stronger than the average person. I read somewhere that people with OCD are normally very intelligent, creative and obviously we have great imaginations. :) This post reminds me of a quote that I like ... "Stop trying to fit in when you were born to stand out!" Don't worry about what others are doing or have accomplished. Find whatever it is you love to do, do your best and you're sure to excel. :)
ReplyDeleteAh, that is a great quote! Thank you for your comment. I need to figure out what I love doing, and I think if I can do that then it will be much easier to motivate myself to do the best I can. Thanks again, and I hope you have some time to relax this weekend.
DeleteI just finished reading Monica Ramirez Basco's book "Never Good Enough" about perfectionism and it was really interesting how she describes the amount of energy perfection takes, even when a situation does not require it. My tendency is assume everything needs maximum energy and devotion, and anything less is slacking off--as I've done exposure therapy I've learned that excellence is acceptable, that I will not die from being imperfect. It was hard to learn this, but I've gained so much of my life back.
ReplyDeleteThank you for the comment and book recommendation. I would love to be able to be satisfied without putting so much effort into making things perfect. I have not thought before about how much energy it takes. I think that's one reason its been hard to hold onto creative hobbies.
DeleteThanks again for the comment. I'm glad to hear that you've been able to fight the need for perfectionism.
So much about this post reminds me of my son. First, he (and his therapist, sad to say)adjusted their expectations about what he could achieve, and advised him to give up on his dreams. As his parents, we knew what he was capable of, and as others have commented, having OCD kind of "puts you ahead" of everyone else, because of what you have to go through daily. I wish I could wave my magic wand and make all those with the disorder realize what amazing people they already are......once you figure out what you want to do with your life, you should work toward that goal. You can accomplish anything!
ReplyDeleteJanet, thank you for the encouragement. I'm not sure yet what I want to do, but I have made plans and I'm finally starting to be more productive, so I'm hopeful that once I figure out what I want, I'll be ready to work toward it.
DeleteThanks again!